Adventures in RPD
by Prisonerksc2-303
Summary: Join the Alpha team as they soon realize what it truly means to be in S.T.A.R.S. Giving Captain Wesker a daily dose of headaches isn't the only thing they'll be doing, or is it? There will be appearances from other characters. AU
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello! I'm not much of a writer, well, I'm actually far from being one XD. I just wanted to have fun with some of our favorite characters and hopefully it'll get a few laughs out of you or even make you smile. Anyway, on with the show. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT own this kick arse game they call (get ready for my epic voice) Resident EEVVIILL. I own NOTHING in this story. Heck, I don't even own the keyboard I'm typing this on XD.**

**Chapter 1**

Jill couldn't help but to watch as Captain Albert Wesker bent over to retrieve the papers that mysteriously flew off his desk. Did she knock them over while he wasn't looking? It didn't matter. What mattered was that Wesker was bent over almost as if he was ready to take it in the behind. She laughed at the thought still staring at the prize and like all fangirls everywhere, she just wanted to cup that muscular piece of meat in the delicate palm of her hands. Not that meat, his ass to be exact but it wouldn't hurt to think of the other meat.

Turning her head slowly her gaze fell upon Chris Redfield. She had to do a double take. He had a pen to his mouth, eyes about ready to pop out averted to Wekers rear end. If that wasn't enough, Jill could've sworn he was.....drooling?! And was he wriggling his eyebrows too?

"Would you like me to put your eyeballs back into place for you?"

Chris didn't say a word but continued to stare.

"Hello. Earth to Chris! Enjoying the view?"

"Not as much as you Jill. I saw you looking too. I mean, what do you find so alluring about Weskers boney behind?"

Just as Jill was about to speak Barry Burton bursts through the door causing everyone to turn and look at him.

"So sorry I'm late. I, uh, kind of got lost, yeah," was Barrys response to everyone looking at him.

Wesker, who had finally finished picking up the papers, walked over to where Barry stood.

"May I ask, Barry, how you of all people got lost when you've been working here for the past fifty years? Seriously! Come on! You were here before I even started working here. Come up with something better next time and theres a bit of blood beneath your nose," Wesker said while studying Barrys nose and readjusting his glasses so he could get a better view of some crumbs all over Barrys shirt.

"Barry? Do I smell Kripy Kremes?"

"No?" Barry said questionly.

Que flashback colorful swirly sequence....

Barry pulls up to a stop light and is singing Karma Chameleon loud and out of tune. As hes waiting, he gets a whiff of something so intoxicating he literally drifts out of his car following the sweet smell. Closing his eyes he lets the smell guide him through the streets and he suddenly stops due to a figure in a dark blue hooded dress shawl like trenchcoat. The figure lifts his right hand to open his hooded dress like, well you get it.

"Got somethin' that might interest ya, strangah," in a deep merchant like accent.

Barry pushes him aside and drifts off to the sweet aroma again. He drifts right into a glass window causing blood to burst out of his nose. He takes one look at those delicious pieces of sweetness it drove him crazy. Almost to the point of insane. He couldn't hold it in any longer. Letting the monster in him takeover, he bursts through the door yelling like a madman. A madman out of his mind, foaming at the mouth, and roaring like a dinosaur scaring everyone out of the donut shop except the tiny cashier who stared wide eyed at the sight of Barry.

"C,c,can I h,help ?" the cashier asks struggling to speak without stuttering.

Before she could even finish the question, Barry roared like a lion ready to pounce. The cashier, who was now holding a red and white umbrella due to the fact that Barrys saliva was flying everywhere, ran and hid under the counter.

"MEEEEEE NEEEEEED KRRRRRISPY KRRRREME! RRRRRROAAAAR!"

Que flashback to present colorful swirly sequence....

Everyone in the room had one are wrapped around their mid section and the other hand on their mouths about ready to heave. Must be the colors. The Captain's phone rings and he anwers it.

"Captain Wesker speaking. A WHAT?? Uh huh. We're on it." He hangs up the phone and turns to his underlings.

"Looks like we had an incident a few minutes ago at the local Krispy Kremes. Some A-hole who is believed to be dangerous AND might be carrying rabies."

Barry shrunk into his chair as Wesker was relaying the information.

"S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team! Roll out!" Wesker yelled out as he changed his sunglasses to a more "suiting" pair for this case.

Jill looked over to Barry who hadn't moved an inch since the call.

"Barry, aren't you coming?"

"Uh, I can't, too much, paperwork. Yes, paperwork. See?" pointing at a blank piece of paper.

"Mmmmkay," was the last thing Jill said as she left.

Little did they know who was truly resposible for the little Krisy Kreme Incident.....

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading! I know it's not all that great but I tried XD. I promise I'll do better next time. I'd like to thank Vincent for everything he's helped me with on this fic, you're the best! Please leave a review of any kind and I'll be sure to return the favor, plus some cookies =D. Thank you again for reading. Until next time!!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: You guys like me! You really like me! *sniffles and wipes tear from eye* I know, I know. I'm really sorry that I didn't update this sooner. *dogdes brick that was randomly thrown* I had trouble with the ending of this chapter and I had to keep revising it, so I hope you guys and gals like the way it turned out. A special thanks to the following for alerting, faving, and reviewing: **

**Shadowno, Stardust4, Divine Arion, Afro Spirit, death wish girl, Taker-took-my-Toys, RevolutionZwei, Hobohunter, cjjs, and moonbeam1987. You guys are TOO awesome. Hugs to you all!**

**Also thanks to pinkcookiemonster, WeskersGurl, .Wolf for faving and alerting. I appreciate it! **

**Sit back, grab some popcorn, and enjoy the craziness!**

**Disclaimer: I would love to do my epic RE voice but my throat is dry XD. I do NOT own anything in this story, not even Sam XD. Although I wished I owned Wesker XD.**

**Chapter 2**

Barry sat at his desk, fingertips tapping away nevously. He was screwed. Once the Alpha team got a hold of his little Krispy Kremes escapade video tape, they would never let him live it down. To make it worse, if Bravo team even knew about said video tape, they would humiliate him to no ends. The teasing, the donut jokes, and not to mention the donut pranks they would pull on him. He couldn't have that happen.

"What am I thinking," Barry said to himself. "I should be more worried about what the Captain will do to me."

_Once he finds out he'll thrust punch the living daylights out of me. Or worse! He'll chikyo kick me to an early grave. Boy does that look like it hurts. I've seen him do it before and the poor victim had to pick up every single tooth that fell out and even had to get emergency surgery to take the back of Wesker's heel OUT! Think, Barry think. I don't want to be Wesker's bitch, thats Chris's job._

Just then, out of nowhere, a light bulb appeared above Barry's head.

"Ah-ha! A light bulb! It means I must have an idea!"

The light flickered off just as quickly as it appeared.

"Whoa, brainfart! What was I thinking?" And the light flickered back on and thankfully it stayed on this time. "Oh yeah, I have an idea! Again!"

**Krispy Kremes**

Wesker paced back and forth, every now and then he would stop, run the palms of his hands through the sides of his already slick backed hair, and pat the top to make sure it was still in place. It was known as the Wesker Pat Down. He was having seconds thoughts as to why he accepted such a low assignment. They were the Alpha team. They were suppossed to be the "Top Dogs" of the RPD. They were suppossed to go out on rescue missions, save people from disasters such as viral outbreaks, use zombies as target practice, and set off a few self-destruct systems in the process. Now this, this was just beyond him. He really couldn't turn it down, the past couple of weeks had been pretty uneventful.

"Alpha team, listen up. We must catch the culprit that did this. Jill, look for as many clues as you can. Chris I need you to question and apprehend anyone who looks suspicious. You," Wesker said trying to remember what the other Alpha team member's name was.

Joseph mouthed the words me in return while pointing to himself.

"Yes, you. What was your name?"

"Joseph, sir!"

"Right, John. Get me some tea."

"It's Joseph, sir."

"Thats what I said."

"You said. Oh, nevermind," Joseph said while walking away.

The captain made his way to the surveilance room knowing if there was anything they could do to catch the culprit, it would be on video.

**Somewhere in a dark alley**

Barry stood in a tan trench coat that stopped right above his ankles. He flipped the collar of the coat in an upward fashion that covered his mouth and most of his nose so that all you could see were his tiny sunglasses. To finish off his stalker costume, he wore a dark brown fishermans hat, black loafers with matching gloves, and white tube socks that had red stripes on the a light breeze between his legs, he looked down to see that he wasn't wearing any pants.

_Great!,_ Barry thought to himself, _how could I have forgotten my pants! I probably look like one of those predators at a_ _park who flash people. Maybe I have time go back and-_

"Heh-heh-heh, see strangah, told ya I'd have somethin' that might interest ya," the mysterious merchant said while pulling out an unmarked videotape.

"Here you go," Barry said while snatching the tape and shoving a tiny bag of pesetas into the merchants hand.

"Not enough cash!"

"What? I gave you twenty five hundred."

"Strangah, ya gave me twenty four hundred forty nine."

"Twenty five!"

"Twenty four forty nine, heh-heh," the merchant argued back.

Thirty minutes later after arguing over one peseta and Barry counting every single one, they came to the fact that he was in fact one less peseta from getting the tape.

"Told ya strangah," the merchant said as Barry angrily shoved one shiny peseta towards the merchant. "Thank you, come back anytime."

"Why I OUGHTA!....Wait, do you happen to have any pants in there?"

**Back at Krispy Kremes**

Wesker couldn't believe that there was no surveilance tape. All he could work with was a sketch composed of a lopsided head, two beady eyes, an L-shaped nose, and tiny lips courtesy of Jill. The captain chuckled as he examined the facial hair that looked somewhat like pubic hair that was drawn on to the face. He shook his head as he pinched the bridge of his nose, Jill was certainly the Master of Unlocking but definitely not the master of drawing.

"Redfield, Valentine. Let us see how far you two can get with this," Wesker said while handing the drawing to them. "I'll be heading back to the station with Josh. Good luck."

"But sir, my name-" Joseph gave up and followed Wesker holding a cup of steaming hot tea.

Jill crossed her arms and observed Chris as he held the picture up and studied each individual who was in the room to see who fit the silly sketch. He stopped suddenly when he came across a male with flaming red hair that came right above his ears, most of it covered his right eye. He wore a cream yellow shirt with a dark blue collar shirt that was unbuttoned and somewhat tucked into his tight camoulflage pants that were being held with a belt that had two tiny gold lugers on the buckle. To top it off he wore a black choker around his neck with a pair of black wrist bands that matched the choker.

"You thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Go back to the station to get front row seats to gawk at Weskers glorious boo-tay?" Jill said not knowing she said this out loud.

"Actually, I was thinking we play good cop bad cop with that guy over there but that sounds like a good idea too."

"What?? Chris!"

"What? I'm joking, sheesh" Chris said while holding his hands up and grining like an idiot ." The back row is just as good."

**RPD**

Again, Barry sat at his desk staring at the videotape wondering just where he would hide it. As he was thinking, Wesker came in with Joseph following close behind. Barry hid under the desk as quickly as he could, dropping the tape in plain site.

"Hm, what could this be?" Wesker bent down to retrieve the tape and examined it.

"Looks like a video tape sir," Joseph said.

"Of course Jonah, state the obvious why don't you."

Raising a finger, Joseph opened his mouth to tell Wesker his name was not Jonah but instead sighed in defeat and spun on his heels to leave. He knew now that it sucked to be a rookie on any team.

_NOOOOOOO,_ Barry was screaming in his mind. _Why me? All that arguing with the merchant over one lousy peseta, the_ _money I pulled out of my kid's college fund for those stupid pesetas, and not to mention sneaking around in a predator stalker disguise which earned me dirty looks from every woman with child or not. All gone to waste. I'm a dead man! If Wesker doesn't kill me, my wife will!_

The captain walked over to his desk, video tape in hand. He noticed a pink post-it note that had the words,' Sam was here' scrawled on it. At the sight of this Wesker paled and almost dropped the video tape. He glanced around the room nervously. 'Sam', the name made him slightly twitch. He had to get out of there before 'Sam' caught him off guard, last time that happened it didn't turn out pretty.

Quickly, he opened his desk drawer and changed his sunglasses to his "going home to relax" sunglasses. He managed to grab all his belongings in seconds and just about ran out the door. Jill and Chris could handle the case without his help for now because his safety was more important than some stupid donut munching lunatic . There was nothing worse than a case of fangirl-itis.

**A/N: Will Wesker ever get to watch Barry in action chowing down donuts? Who exactly is Chris and Jill going to play good cop, bad cop with? Will the Captain ever get Joseph's name right? Will there be fangirls? Join us next time to find out! Thanks so much for reading and please leave a review of any kind and of course I'll return the favor :). Until next time! XD**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Hello and welcome to another chapter of craziness mwuahahaha! I would like to thank the following for alerting, faving, and especially their AWESOME reviews:**

**Taker-took-my-Toys, Hobohunter, Shadowno, cjjs, RevolutionZwei, death wish girl, Divine Arion, Stardust4, Afro Spirit, rainfox88, Zombiegirl2007, Trippyfalls, moonbeam1987, JesseZombie, Special K Man, and aquacrow! Thanks so much guys and lovely gals, you so ROCK! Hugs to all of you!**

**I'd also like to thank the following for alerting and faving:**

**WhiteWolfIce, Huen, Lime Rickey, and Fangedfrog! I appreciate it very much! Hugs! Enjoy!**

**Diclaimer: Property of Capcom except for the mysterious fangirl known as Sam XD.**

**Chapter 3**

The door slammed shut followed by a series of locks clicking and deadbolts bolting. Wesker let out a deep sigh as he leaned his back against the door, he felt safe being in the comfort of his own home. He was also relieved to have made it home without having to run into any fangirl mishaps that involved Sam. He didn't get all those locks and a fancy, expensive security system for nothing. It was for fangirls like Sam to stay out, although he wondered if there were other fans who were willing to break into his home just to gawk at his lovely ass.

With a swift clap of his hands, every light in the house came on. Throwing his keys and the videotape on the living room table, he made his way to the bathroom peeling the layers of his STARS uniform off one by one revealing his beautifully aged, well toned and very well in doubt, sculpted to perfection body. What he needed was a nice warm bubble bath to take his mind away from the mysterious fangirl.

**Back at the Station**

"Thats weird, the captain went home already and where the hell is Barry?"

"Barry must have left the same time as Wesker and Joseph. I know he said he had some paperwork to do earlier," Jill answered.

"We should head home also. We'll just come in early tomorrow morning and interrogate the suspect, I'm sure the suspect wont mind," Chris said while patting Jill on the back.

"Alright, but I feel like we're forgetting something. Something important," Jill said as they left the STARS office.

Barry, who was still under his desk, heard them leave. He couldn't believe that the videotape he worked so hard to get was gone and of all people to have it, it had to the captain. He pulled a bag of donut holes from his coat pocket and started to devour them one by one. He crouched into fetal position, rocking back and forth while mumbling and shouting the word donut every now and then.

**RPD Parking Lot**

Brad whistled his way to the station while holding a box of freshly made flyers advertising the yearly Raccoon City Police Department Halloween Charity Dance.

"Loooonely. I'm soooo lonely. I have nobody to call my ooooown-"

"What the hell? Who's there?" Brad's eyes widened as they darted left and right. The singing continued followed by a muffled tapping. By now, Brad stopped dead in his tracks looking at the police cruiser right in front of him. He knocked lightly on the trunk. The trunk knocked back.

"HOLY SHIT BALLS! DEMON CAR!" he yelled while crossing his fingers to make a cross sign then turning to run.

**Wesker's Place**

The aroma of popcorn filled the air as Wesker eyed the videotape, curious as to what was on it. Maybe it was just an old movie or maybe it was someone's sex tape he could make copies of and sell so the profits would benefit his world domination plan. He put the movie into the vcr and pressed play. Rubbing his hands together, he grabbed his bowl of popcorn and placed a handfull into his mouth.

What is this?

Wesker watched while trying to remember where he had seen the room before.

Krispy...Kremes? Who is that?

He was shocked at the display right in front of him in his living room on the tv screen. . He couldn't believe it, he started to choke on a piece of popcorn. The events that had led them to Krispy Kremes played out and who was in the middle of it all?

_"Baaarrrrry,"_ Wesker hissed while trying desperately to cough up the piece of popcorn that he was choking on. Not only would Barry suffer the consequences of todays events, he would suffer mostly for making the captain choke on popcorn.

**RPD, Early the next morning**

"Good morning Jill, are you ready to-"

Before Chris could finish Jill cut him off.

"Chris? Where is our suspect?"

"He should be in the holding-"

"Uh, no Chris! Try again," Jill cut him off once again. "Tell me he's not in the trunk of our cruiser still."

"Psssh. No-oo!"

They both looked at eachother for a while and within seconds they quickly made their way to the police cruiser they shared. Chris popped the trunk and as soon as he did, Steve jumped out screaming, hands cuffed behind his back.

"HELP! Somebody, anybo-oomph!"

Jill's arm shot out close lining Steve. He flew in a one hundred and eighty degree angle, legs flailing about and landed with a loud smack on the concrete floor. Chris cringed at the whole sight.

"I felt that one!" he said as he stood over Steve. "You just got knocked the fu-"

"Chris! You can't say that, this is a T-rated fic."

"I was going to say knocked the fudge out," Chris said as he threw Steve over his shoulder, heading for the interrogation room.

Ten minutes and a very groggy Steve later

The room was dark except for the bright light that shined in Steve's face. He struggled to get up and noticed he was strapped to the chair with duct tape.

"Okay donut punk! Where were you yesterday at approximately seven thrity two a.m. you son of a donut hole bard? Huh? Huh!" Chris glanced over his shoulder, grinning at Jill. "Get it Jill, donut hole, ass-hole? Ha-ha."

Jill rolled her eyes and shook her head.

"W-w-what? I w-w-was-"

A loud smack filled the room, leaving Steve to moan in pain.

"Wrong answer jerk! We know exactly where you were, you donut freak!" Chris yelled while grabbing a handful of Steve's hair. "Now listen here you piece of-"

"Wait Chris, I thought I was playing the bad cop," Jill protested.

"You are but I want a piece of the action too, Jilly."

"This is p-p-police b-brutality!"

"Oh, I'll show you police brutality, donut eating ass munch!" Chris said while pulling Steve's red locks and smacking him at the same time.

"Oooowww!"

"Chris, let go of his hair and stop smacking him."

"This isn't an ordinary slap, its a bitch slap."

"I d-d-didn't do i-it."

"Hmm, looks like we're going to have to do this the hard way," Jill said, cracking her knuckles. Steve's eyes widened as Jill closed in on him.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Wesker passed by the interrogation room and heard the screaming. Poor bastard, he thought to himself. He turned the corner, on his way to the STARS office when suddenly he came to a screeching halt. Standing at 5'1", her brown hair drizzled with blonde highlights that came down to her shoulders. She wore a dark purple adidas track suit that highlighted every curve of her body and a pair of adidas sneakers. She didn't dress like that for nothing, no! Sam knew that it was like a marathon when pursuing her "target". Wesker backed up slowly, tip toeing, trying to slip away unnoticed.

"There you are! Where are you going? Alby!"

Wesker wasted no time, he ran as fast as his muscular legs and glorious hiney could take him. Sam just giggled and started to stretch.

"Yoooohooo, aren't you happy to see me Wesky?" she said in a sing song voice and took off after him.

No matter how many times Wesker tried to lose Sam in the station, it failed each time. He even climbed the emergency ladder and sh was already on the top before he got there. There she was, closing in behind him, her hand reaching out to grab him. As soon as she was close enough, she pounced on him. The captain went down with Sam on top of him hugging him with her death grip, giggling.

"Alby, why must you be a naughty boy? Running away like that! Someone wants a spanking," she said while smacking his behind and getting up. Helping the captain to his feet, she picked him up bridal style. For her height, she was amazingly strong. "I'll take you to your office tee-hee-hee."

They made their way to the STARS office earning bizarre looks and laughs from everyone. Painful howling came from the interrogation room as they passed by it. Finally making it to the office, Sam lowered Wesker into his seat.

"I'll be back later for you later Alby, you promised some fangirl service. Don't make me round up the girls, I'm sure you don't want that. Tee-hee."

With that, she left waving at Barry, who was yes! still under his desk, on the way out. Wesker sat in his chair, eyes wide behind his dark sunglasses not blinking once. He had to find a way out of this or he'd have fangirls galore after him.

Last time, Sam dressed him in bright pink pajamas with little neon green Tyrants all over, matching sunglasses that were pink rimmed with green lenses, and furry Licker slippers. Everytime he took a step the furry Licker's long tongue would dart out and retract after. Sam thought it was....cute. No! He wouldn't go through that again. Not this time. Not ever.

**A/N: I hope you all had fun reading this chapter, I don't want to lose you guys and gals to a long and maybe not so funny chapter lol . I had fun writing "Sam's" part though. She is based on a real fangirl and also known as the lovely and very talented writer, Divine Arion. Her awesome RE Saga's are to die for! A big thanks to her for letting me tort- I mean use her in this fic, I'm not done with you yet Sammy mwuahaha!**

**ROLL CALL! I'm looking for Wesker fangirls or guys who would like to be thrown into the craziness, apply within XD! Oh and if you are a fan of anyone else and I mean ANYONE, that works too. Thank you so much for reading, yall are the best! Until next time! Review? Please? ^_^**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Welcome! I'd like to thank the following for alerting, faving, and especially their ROCKIN' reviews:**

**Stardust4, Special K Man, Zombiegirl2007, Resident roach code metallica, Shadowno, Taker-took-my-Toys, moonbeam1987, cjjs, Hobohunter, rainfox88, Divine Arion, JesseZombie, Ultimolu, Damu420, death wish girl, axel0288, S.T.A.R.S. Marine, and wolfgirl16**

**Ya'll are TOO AWESOME! Hugs to you all!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything in this fic. Should I even put this anymore?! Oh, but the fans own themselves. I do know the fans would like to own Wesker.**

**Enjoy!**

**Chapter 4**

"Dee-doo-doop-dee-dee-day-doo-da-da-da," Brad sang while making his way to the STARS office. As he walked by the interrogation room, he heard whimpering and decided to lean against the door to listen. No sooner than he laid his head against the door, a sickening crack hit the door that left an imprint of Steve's face, body, and all. Brad took one look at it and gasped at the sight of the imprint.

"Wa-waaaa! DEMON DOOR!" he turned, yelling while running and bumping into Joseph, whose bandana did a three-sixty on top of his head.

"Hey! Watch the bandana! If this bandana comes off, then your ass is grass, chicken-wuss. I can't let anyone know my secret as to why I wear this bandana constantly. They'd make fun of me."

Little did he know, Forrest witnessed the whole scene. He rubbed his hands together with an evil grin, plotting against Joseph and his dear bandana.

**STARS Office**

Wesker hadn't moved an inch since Sam left. His eyes stayed wide open due to the fact that "they" might take him away in the blink of an eye. He had to snap out of it. If the Alpha team saw him in this state, then his plan for world domination would never work.

"Good morning Captain!" Joseph said, cheery as ever.

"Ah, good morning Joel. Have you seen the rest of the team?"

Joseph didn't understand why the name 'Joseph' was so hard to remember.

"I believe Chris and Jill are questioning the suspect from the Krispy Kre-"

"Barry?"

"Um, I haven't seen Barry, but-"

"Thats who they're questioning, right?"

_HOO SHIT!_ "I'll go get them, heh-heh-"

"Uh-huh and get me some tea!"

"Gobble, gobble, munch, munch...DONUT! Nom-nom-nom."

At the sound of this sudden outburst, Wesker looked around the room, wondering where the nutty noises were coming from. He saw no one but still the noises went on. He stood up, and walked down the aisle looking around for whatever or whoever was making the sounds.

"DO-NUT! Nom, cough, nom."

Wesker's head shot toward Barry's desk, making his way over to it. He bent down, his alluring behind in the air, to look under the desk and couldn't believe his eyes. Barry was crouching, eyes dark rimmed and wide as ever, lighting a spoon with a donut on top of it while he had somewhat of a rubberband tied around his arm.

"Good. God. Barry!" the captain said while watching Barry "eat up".

**Interrogation Room**

Joseph didn't bother to knock after looking at the imprint of Steve on the door. He walked into Chris cheering on Jill who had Steve in a headlock.

"Guys, could I, uh talk to you over here."

Jill let go of Steve, who slumped to the floor, dazed and confused.

"The captain said," Joseph whispered while staring at Steve, making sure he couldn't hear their conversation. "Uh, well, lets just say you got the wrong guy."

"What do you mean we got the wrong guy?" Chris whispered back.

"The captain said something about Barry. Listen, just let this guy go and come to the office."

"You mean, we have the wrong guy?" Jill asked, still whispering.

"Yes!" Joseph hissed. "I think so. Just get rid of him."

They all nodded staring at Steve and with that Joseph left to get Wesker's tea like a little bitch.

"Jill, grab the first aid kit. I'll grab the janitor's cart of cleaning supplies. We have some cleaning up to do."

**Ten minutes, a spotless interrogation room with a bandaged up Steve, later**

"Looks good. Now we just have to get rid of him," Chris said turning his attention to Jill, who was putting the finishing touches on Steve's bandages. "Sheesh Jill! What didn't you break on him?"

Steve was wrapped from head to toe with bandages, he looked like a mummy in pain. He moaned like one too.

"Well, maybe if you weren't cheering me on in the background, I wouldn't have been so...brutal! You WERE suppossed to be the 'good cop', ya know. Ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be. Ya know Jill, I ask myself, is it all worth it-"

"Chris? Shut up and help me!"

"Oh! Right."

Chris held Steve's right side up while Jill held up the left. They dragged his body along to the main entrance of the RPD, getting weird looks from everyone they passed. They had to tell people that Steve was a mummy they were using as a prop for the Halloween Charity Dance. They finally made it to the front entrance of the RPD.

"Great, he wont be able to stand up once we let go of him."

"I got an idea. Hold him Jilly, I'll be right back," Chris said as he dashed his way to alley way right by the station.

Chris came upon a group of bums, who were laughing and talking amongst themselves.

"I'm Officer Redfield, RPD, STARS Alpha team. I'll be needing this," he said, pointing at the wheelchair.

"Oh no yous don't! Thats mine and I don't gives a damn who the hells ya are! Ya hears me, hic-cup!" said a drunken old lady who walked up to Chris and started to beat him with a red and white umbrella.

"Lady, please don't hit, OW! This is an, ouch, emergency. OWWIE! Hey that hurts, I don't have time for-" Chris took off running with the wheelchair in tow. "Adios!"

Chris ran as fast as he could, finally making it back to where Jill and Steve were.

"Nice, where did you-"

"No time for questions, Jill," Chris said while placing a mummified Steve into the wheelchair.

"Now what? I mean, he can't push himself so should we give him a push?" Jill asked.

"Yeah okay," Chris said while giving Steve a push.

"Good job partner! Lets go."

Off they went and off Steve went too. What Chris didn't know was that due to his 'big guns' or so he liked to call his twin mountains of muscles, he pushed Steve with so much strength that Steve couldn't brake in the state he was in. Steve screamed as he flew right off the sidewalk and into the intersection. The last thing Steve heard was honking followed by tires screeching. The next thing he knew he was flying in the air and the last thing he saw was the clear blue sky.

**Unknown Location**

"Can I get everyones attention please?" Sam asked while tapping away softly at the gavel in front of her. Still no one paid attention and instead kept chit chatting away about the latest Resident Evil: Darkside Chronicles game that was coming to a game shop near you.

"Its going to kick so much ass, like Metallica!" said a girl who happened to stick out of the crowd of all the girls due to her being 5'10". She had shoulder length brown hair and wore a black shirt that said 'Metallica will kick your ass!' with a pair of jeans that fit snugly over her curvy frame.

"ATTENTION! UP HERE! NOW!" Sam yelled and finally getting the attention she needed. How her tiny frame could yell like a Tyrant screaming, in dire need of killing anyone with the last name Redfield, nobody knew. "Tee-hee, thats more like it. We are here today because Wesker promised us some fangirl ser-"

"Cough-cough-guys-cough-cough!" was said simultaneously as coughs errupted from the guys in the crowd.

"Sorry, fangirls and fanboys alike-"

A pale, 6'2" figure stood up wearing an RPD uniform. He had brownish blonde hair that was combed to the sides and looked super soft to the touch.

"Must we be called fanboys? I mean it sounds soooo, whats the word? Homo-ish? No offense to any!" he said while throwing his hands in the air, looking around the room.

"None taken!" was yelled from across the way.

"Oh my GAWD! Its LEON! AAAAAAH!"

Leon's look-a-like had to move as a pair of hot pink panties flew his way and landed on the ground next to him. The words 'I Love Leon' were written on them.

"Who in the name of a sweet Jehovas witnesseses threw those?!" Leon's look-a-like said.

Everyone looked at eachother confused as to where the undies came from. He reached over towards then and got hit with a stick by the girl siting next to him.

"Thats not Leon. Thats just my counter part, Special K Man," said the girl wearing the 'Metallica will kick your ass' t-shirt while picking up the panties with a long stick, examining them, and then shaking her head while flinging them to the other side of the room. "Leon doesn't have an awesome Aussie accent, mind you. My name is Resident roach code metallica by the way."

"Thank y-" Sam was cut off.

"Just call me Resident roach."

"Alri-"

"Or RRCM."

"Oka-"

"Hell, call me Resi!"

All eyes were on Resi, waiting for her to say something else. Instead she started banging her head and singing 'Ride the Lightning' by yes, you guessed it, Metallica.

"I would rather be called a Wesker enthuiast, it sounds much better." Special K Man insisted.

Everyones attention averted to a girl who had tripped, landing right on top of the Wesker shrine, clawing all the Wesker posters off the wall. Apparently she had been walking too fast for her own good.

"I'm okay! Um, sorry," she said as she tried to hold up the posters with one hand and fix the Wesker shrine with the other. "I'm Trippyfalls, as you can see. Yeah, I'm just going to...fix this."

In walked a girl wearing glasses, a white t-shirt that really brought out the tone of her golden brown skin, a pair of jeans and a suitcase. As she walked by Special K Man, who was busy playing air drums to Resi's singing, she patted him on the back leaving a piece of paper with the words 'FANBOY' written on it.

"Whats up! I'm Ultimolu and I have some surprises in store for our dear Weskie, mwua-ha-ha-ha-ha-COUGH! WHEW, excuse me."

"Hi! I'm death wish girl. I love Wesker! I love cupcakes too! I love feeding cupcakes to Wesker!" she said as she passed out delicious looking cupcakes to everyone.

"Zombiegirl2007 is my name and Wesker is my game. Well, unless Billy Coen is around tee-hee. Or Leon," she said as her nose started to bleed all over her brand spanking new DC's, at the sheer hotness of all three RE males. "MY SHOES! I just bought these bitches!"

"Oh, my name is Hobohunter. Don't get me wrong, I don't hunt hobos, I hunt Wesker. I'm a big fan of Wesker but Leon is one hot piece of ass too! Hey everyone," she said while waving. She was the splitting image of Claire except for the tiny beauty mark by her lips. Her shirt also said what she implied about hunting Wesker.

"Love the shirt! Everyone wants to hunt Wesker's sizzling, spicy, hot rump-a-licious....OH! Sorry, tee-hee. Next!" Sam said while all the girls and one guy had tiny hearts beating in their eyes.

"Hello! I'm moonbeam1987 and I've loved Wesker since the original Resi and-"

"Huh? Did someone call me?" Resi asked and then started to once again bang her head and continued singing.

"I love Wesker, period. I find him irresistable especially when he wore those sunglasses at night in the forest. I mean, who else can wear shades in the pitch blackness of the night, in a forest thats infested by zombies, while shooting at those cerberus, AND he could still see where he was going??" moonbeam1987 let out a breath of fresh air after that run on sentence while running her fingers through her long brown, blond hair. "Simply amazing. Oh and I love Barry and his 'pointing out the obvious' sayings too. Like J-"

"Jill sandwich!" everyone chimed in with her, laughing.

"Yo!" said a guy wearing a 'I'm a Chris Redfield Fanboy' t-shirt. I'm Vincent and to be honest, I was forced, against my own will, into this fic and to wear this hideous shirt. Prisonerksc2-303 threatened to chop my ball, yes one of them, off with a rusty ass butter knife. I think I'll be leaving now, a-heh-heh," he said while trying to make a run for the door.

Prisonerksc2-303 opened the door and whistled while circling a rusty butter knife toward Shadowno's crotch area. "Sit."

"Thats exactly what I was going to do. I'm a Chris fanboy, yay!" Vincent said sarcastically, rolling his eyes while waving a yellow 'GO CHRIS!' flag then sitting down.

"Amusing! And who might you two in the corner, reading the latest issue of Vogue magazine, while looking like you two just stepped out of Fashion Weekly, might be?" Sam asked.

"Hi-hi! I'm JesseZombie and I can't make up my mind on which Resident Evil stud muffin I should stalk so, I'll just stalk them all." He looked like a gorgeous model who just stepped off the Runway. He wore a pair of black skinny jeans with a plaid teal and black shirt. "Wesker is hunk-a-liscious stud though, mmhm. I'd definitely tap that, ha-ha!" Jesse said, hands gesturing all over the place.

"I would rather him tap me," the girl sitting next to him said as they high fived to their ideas of tapping or getting tapped by Wesker. She also looked as if she were a model. "My name is Michelle and I adore the Wesker/Jill pairing with a side of ME, tee-hee. But I SO don't look at Wesker that way, uh...heh-heh yeah" she said but deep down inside she loved the man to pieces and couldn't live without him.

"Hey all! I'm Wolfgirl16 and I love, not only Wesker, but Leon's emo self, Krauser and his chicken wing arm, and Sergei too," she said, giggling. She stood at 5'5", had blond hair that was dyed pink at the tips, and wore glasses.

Everyone looked at her surprised.

"You know, Sergei Vladimir? Umbrella Chronicles? Two words, true-love!" wolfgirl16 squealed as she thought about Wesker and Sergei together and I'll stop there since its going into yaoi territory.

Everyone's attention turned to a girl who stood up all of a sudden. Using the palm of her hands to slick back the sides of her purple, almost witha tint of red (lets just go with dark purple) hair, she then patted the top to make sure her hair was in place, folded her arms then posed. Her eyes were light blue, so light that they looked gray. She wore a plaid mini skirt and a black, form fitting Rammstein t-shirt.

"The 'Wesker Pat Down' from the first Resident Evil, impressive!" Sam said.

"Thanks. Greetings! I am Taker-took-my-Toys. Just call me Triple T for short. I'm a triple threat, so Wesker better beware, tee-hee. I'm a big fan of Wesker. I have been for a long time and well, I just can't seem to get enough of him. I mean, those gorgeous crimson eyes, the whole sunglasses fetish, his tight fitting STARS uniform and not to mention that hiney of his, raawr!"

**Twenty Minutes later**

"His voice is beautiful! His dialogue is EPIC-"

**Another Twenty Minutes Later**

"I melt everytime he comes on the screen! He is a brilliant mastermind and-"

**Twenty minutes after that**

"And thats why I am such a diehard fangirl of the fabulous Albert Wesk-"

"THANK GOD!" everyone in the room said all at once.

"No, wait! I haven't even started with Krauser or HUNK yet," Triple T said.

"Uh, thats okay! Its, um...break time!" Sam said.

Everyone let out a double sigh of relief and ran out the door for a pee break.

**A/N: Thanks for reading! I hope I didn't offend any one in any way because thats not what I was aiming for. This is purely for your entertainment and I tried to make it as funny as possible. If I failed, then I'm sorry. If you didn't like how you were perceived, your appearance, or your dialogue, please tell me and I'll be sure to fix it :). Except you, Vincent XD. If you want to join in on the craziness, just tell me. It's NEVER too late lol. A BIG thanks to Hobohunter for the idea of having Barry light a donut up on a spoon like the true donut junkie he is lol. Also a big thanks to everyone who let me tortu- did I say that?! I meant, who wanted to be part of the story XD. Thanks!**

**What is Joseph's big secret behind him wearing bandanas? What is Wesker going to do with Barry? Is Steve okay? What exactly are those fans plotting? Jill sandwich? Join me next time!**

**Ahem, please be so kind to leave a review ^_^.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hello! And welcome to another chapter of insanity! Thanks to the following for alerting, faving, and their awesome reviews:**

**Wolfgirl16, Taker-took-my-Toys, Shadowno, Death wish girl, S.T.A.R.S. Marine, Zombiegirl2007, Ultimolu, Fangedfrog, Loveheart-Chan, C. Redfield 86, Resident roach code Metallica, Special K Man, Divine Arion, cjjs, Hobohunter, Stardust4, JesseZombie, Damu420, moonbeam1987, FraRosa, Nocturna GVC, and Trippyfalls.**

**Hugs and cookies to you all! Ya'll rock! I'll shut up now, the chapter is long enough, enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: Resident Evil belongs to Capcom, Du Hast belongs to Rammstein, the fans belong to themselves, you get it. Which leaves me with owning...nothing XD.**

**Chapter 5**

Wesker readjusted his sunglasses in every possible angle he could while watching Barry and his bizarre display of 'eating up' donuts. He even placed them upside down but it didn't matter which way his sunglasses were on, he could tell Barry needed major help. He had to be extra careful not to startle Barry, who knows what a donut junkie was capable of.

"Barry, I am going to assist you by giving you a series of steps that you will listen to carefully and it would be very wise to obey. Understood?"

Barry looked like a deer caught in headlights as soon as he heard his captains voice. He didn't reply, instead he dropped the spoon and opened his mouth, letting the contents of an unchewed donut spill out freely on Wesker's Wesker could say or do anything, like strangle Barry as he remembered the popcorn from last night, Chris and Jill walked through the door.

"HEL-LO!" Chris shouted as he walked into the room seeing Wesker bending over with his ass in the air.

Jill just stood there smiling to herself, looking all dreamy eyed until Chris' outburst brought her back to reality. She wondered if maybe Chris was a little on the gay side. She brushed the thought off and looked at Chris who was wriggling his eyebrows up and down until he noticed Jill staring at him with her arms folded.

"Uh, heh-heh," Chris said, scratching his head, smiling. "I meant HEL-LO CAP-TAIN, NICE VIEW TODAY!"

"What view?" Wesker asked as he stood up while Jill giggled in the background.

"I meant. I meant nice....morning....view?"

"Whats going on?" Jill asked changing the subject, walking over to where Wesker stood. "Oh my SHIT! Barry! What happened?" Jill asked looking at Barry who looked scared shitless, crouched under his desk his eyes wide and his mouth covered in donut powder.

"Whoa!" Chris said. "Let me help you out of there buddy but just because I'm touching you doesn't mean I'M GAY," he said looking at Jill and Wesker, making sure he got the point across that he wasn't gay. Chris then attempted to reach out to Barry and Barry bit him.

"OUCH! What was that for?"

"Chris? Sorry, I thought you were a donut. Your arm looks like a big donut hole."

"Really? Because I don't see the resemblence!" Chris yelled while tending to the bite mark that was now starting to swell up.

"Barry, I suggest you come out from there right this minute."

"Yes captain."

"Barry, I'm sorry to have to do this but perhaps what you need is donut detox. In fact, you will be going to it and after you will attend Donuts Anonymous meetings once a week. Here," the captain said, placing a silver bracelet on Barry's hand. "If you even try to eat a donut, this bracelet will send a volt of electricty that will shock you into not even wanting to think of a donut. Good luck and may the force be with you."

"Wait, how do you know if that bracelet works?" Chris asked.

"Good question," Wesker replied as he saw Barry slowly reaching for a donut. He pulled a tiny remote from his pocket and pressed the big red button.

"DOOOH!" Barry yelled in pain as the jolt from the bracelet sent him flying right into Joseph who was carrying Wesker's hot tea.

**Unknown Location**

As soon as the pee break was over, everyone returned to the room where their 'Wesker's Wacky World of Wild Fans' meeting was taking place. They noticed a guy who was sitting in a chair with his feet on the desk, who wasn't there before. He looked like a member of STARS who just joined the Marines. He was clad in black from head to toe, almost as if he was on a mission to kill or be killed. In his back pack next to him, he had an arsenal of grenades and guns and also a tool box.

"Hello," Sam spoke up since everyone else was hiding behind her and eachother, wondering if the mystery guest was there to blow them all to high hell. "Can I help you?"

"S.T.A.R.S. Marine reporting in for duty, sir...miss!" he said as he stood up to salute Sam. "I am a fan of Wesker and lets just keep it at a "fan", nothing else after. I'm also a fan of that hot ass chick Claire Redfield and Brad. Chickens need love too. I can shoot and blow anything up that need be, plus I'm a handy with a screwdriver and hammer."

After his introduction, everyone filled the room relieved that S.T.A.R.S. Marine wasn't there to kill them.

"So, what's the plan?" Hobohunter asked while Vincent was forced to happily wave his "Go Chris" flag.

"How about we raid his underwear drawer?" asked Zombiegirl2007.

"That could work, think of all the money we could make on Ebay," Special K Man said.

"Well, how about we sneak attack him from the rear?" Wolfgirl16 asked, looking at a magazine that had the words Wesker/Sergei Weekly on the front. "Guh, shit!"

"From the rear? How naughty! Ha-ha," Jesse chimed in.

"Are you guys sure you don't want to hear about my obsession with Krauser and HUNK? Because-" Triple T stated.

"UUUH!" everyone said at once, trying to think of an excuse so they wouldn't have to sit there and listen to a four hour speech as to why Krauser and HUNK were so freaking awesome.

"I get it, but if you change your mind," TTT said, shrugging it off.

"It'll be much easier if we split into groups," Moonbeam1987 threw in.

"Right! Everyone gather around, Operation Sneak Attack Wesker From The Rear has been activated," Sam said with an evil smile.

**S.T.A.R.S. office**

"You," Wesker spoke up, pointing at Barry. "Have a sick donut fetish while you two took it upon yourselves to play 'tag team' on some random innocent by stander. And you-"

Wesker stared at Joseph for the longest, snapping his fingers.

"You. J-. Hm. Jo-"

"Yes, uh-huh," Joseph said, egging Wesker on because maybe, just maybe this time he would get his name right.

"Joooo....Joby! Yes, you! You need to get me some tea. Where is Brad?"

Barry raised his hand. "May I go to the restroom?"

"Am I a teacher now? Did you need me to assist you? Perhaps hold your penis while you do your deed?GO!" Wesker said through clenched teeth. He reached into his desk drawer for some asprin, he knew it was going to be a long day. "Lets just take a quick break."

**Outside the RPD**

Each fan was posted outside the station, looking suspicious as ever. Moonbeam1987 and Death Wish Girl were crouched in some bushes, both trying to keep the leaves from getting into the special cupcakes Death Wish GIrl made for Alby. Hobohunter was on a payphone across the way giving directions to Resident Roach Code Metallica who was playing craps with the bums near the alley, winning their change they earned that day. S.T.A.R.S. Marine was on the roof in the building right across the street from the station with Ultimolu who, for some strange reason, was now in Ninja Gaiden gear. Special K Man, who still had the 'fanboy' sign on his back, was in the tiny cafe a building over eating Special K cereal. Every now and then he would pull out his katana and swish away at the air screaming 'Versus is awesome'.

Triple T and Wolfgirl16 were at the bus stop looking at Wesker/Sergei Weekly, squealing at the yaoi and non-realated yaoi material. Vincent yawned, waving his 'Go Chris' flag lazily as if his hand would fall off any moment from all the waving he had been forced to do. Jesse was sitting down on some steps, straightening his hair and sitting next to him was Michelle, painting her nails. Zombiegirl2007 had the task of reading a newspaper, pretending to be interested at the stories about cannabalism. Sam was in a car that was parked across the street, binoculars to her eyes waiting for the target and Trippyfalls went inside the RPD to use the restroom.

"Sniper on roof, check. Booby traps, check. Everyone looking suspicious, check. Now we wait," Sam said into her earpiece.

"Du," Triple T sang into her earpiece. "Du hast. Du hast-"

"Mich. Du hast mich," Zombiegirl2007, Death Wish Girl, and Moonbeam1987 sang along. Suddenly everyone got up and started banging their heads, singing along. S.T.A.R.S. Marine, Trippyfalls (who was on the toilet) and Michelle played air guitar. Hobohunter, Sam, and Jesse threw up their 'rock on' signs, while Wolfgirl16, Special K Man, and Resi used their middle fingers to flip off cars that passed by. VIncent was busy rocking out, burning his "Go Chris" flag while Ultimolu threw ninja stars in tune at a nearby wall. Just then the unexpected happened, Wesker and the Alpha team walked out of the precint. Sam shushed everyone, trying to gain contol of the riot that Triple T started by singing DuHast.

It was too late. Wesker stopped dead in his tracks, twitching as he saw Sam in the car across the street.

"Captain, are you okay?" Jill asked, noticing that something was wrong with the captain.

He didn't answer. Instead he spun on his heels and headed back into the station. He had some planning to do he thought as he pulled Jill and Chris along with him.

"NOOOO, I think he saw me!" Sam said.

"So what now?" Moonbeam1987 asked.

"Operation Sneak Attack Wesker From The Behind plan B?" Resi suggested.

"We're going in."

**S.T.A.R.S. office**

"So whats going on?" Joseph asked, placing Wesker's steaming hot cup of tea on his desk.

Wesker was busy jotting down a to-do list for his dear Alpha team. He had to act fast or his fans would swallow him whole. Not that kind of swallowing him whole, perverts! (fangirl moment?)

"Hey Joseph, there's something on your bandana. Here, I'll get it," Jill said, reaching out grabbing a big ball of lint. In the process of getting the lint ball out, Jill's watch came into conctact with a loose piece of thread. Before Jill could yank the bandana off, Joseph grabbed his bandana quickly, holding it down.

"HEY!"

"Sorry, my watch is-"

"I'll get it," Chris said, his hands trying to undo Jill's watch from the loose thread.

Joseph took a few steps back, stumbling as he lost his balance, falling onto Barry's desk still holding on to his bandana for dear life. Jill was pulled in the process, landing right on top of him while Chris landed on top of Jill, smashing her in the middle of himself and Joseph. Barry walked in while all this was happening and the first thing he thought of came to mind.

"Look! A Jill sandwich!" Barry shouted.

"Are you morons done goofing off? We've got work to do."

**One hour later**

It was Joseph's duty to take Barry to detox while Jill and Chris took care of the things on the list. It consisted of gathering (more like kidnapping) Billy, Sergei, Jack, HUNK, and two mystery guests. Hopefully it was enough to chase the fans away so Wesker could live another day.

Wesker sat at his desk, fingers tips dancing away waiting for Chris and Jill. All of a sudden he felt something brush against his hair. He reached up to feel what it was and it was a pair of hands. Bolting from his seat, he turned and there was Ultimolu and Hobohunter who had been poking at his beautiful golden locks.

"How did you-"

"I'm a ninja, believe it!" Ultimolu said.

"I hunt YOU!" Hobohunter yelled.

"Are you referring to me as a, hobo?" the captain said after reading what Hobohunter's shirt said.

"I made you cupcakes, here," Death Wish Girl said shoving a cupcake that had some leaves on it into Wesker's mouth.

Wesker made a run for it, trying to gulp down the delicicious treat, leaves and all. Special K Man and Vincent just got done setting the famous grab and tag booby trap. They used their bodies as a barricade to try and stop the captain but Wesker jumped right over them. They stepped right into the booby trap they set and up they went, hanging upside down by their feet.

"Did you see that one coming?" Special K Man asked.

"I did not," Vincent said looking over at Trippyfalls who was hanging upside down with them.

"Don't ask," Trippyfalls replied.

**RPD Locker Room**

"Why am I here again?" Billy asked.

"Because, I'm suppossed to stick my *censored* in your *censored* so we can *censored* and have a good ol' yaoi time," Krauser answered.

Zombiegirl2007 could smell the yaoi goodness so she followed it. It lead her to Krauser who had his pants down, chasing a scared half naked Billy who was running for his life. She took one look and fainted at the scene. The next thing she knew she was in underwear heaven, Wesker's to be exact.

"Four down! Okay Jill, time to unveil the first guest. Go!" Chris shouted into his walkie talkie.

**Outside the Station**

Jill stood in front of the RPD, unmasking the mystery guest.

"Oh hell to the NO!" Sam shouted into her ear piece. "Alice at two o'clock, attack!"

"I need to find the anti-viru-!"

Michelle came out of no where and tackled Alice to the ground. Resi then punched Alice square in the face while Moonbeam1987 had her hands wrapped around Alice's neck. Jesse kicked Alice in the ass which was a mistake because his foot was now stuck in her ass. Yuck, was all Jesse could say.

**Wesker's location**

Wesker crept along the hallway, peeking around corners to make sure no fans were there. There was none but there stood Sergei Vladmir as if he was looking for something.

"Ah, comrade! I've been looking for you, you sexy thing you!" Sergei cheerfully said.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Of course, but you don't have to beg for....THIS!" Sergei said ripping his pants off revealing a cheetah print thong that was two times smaller than it should have been.

Wesker took one look and his eyes widened when he looked down at what Sergei had on. That or because Sergei's ding-dong was hanging out freely.

"HOLY SHIT!" Wolfgirl16 said while looking at the display in front of her. She then fainted at the sheer hotness of her wildest dreams coming true.

"Wolfbob! Get up, you don't want to miss this-" Triple T attempted to say but was carried off by HUNK who came crashing through the roof to abduct Triple T. TTT punched HUNK in the nards and he fell to the floor wincing in pain.

"Bad move HUNKY, you're mine now!" she then dragged him along with her all the way home.

While all this was going on Wesker made his way to the main entrance so he could get the hell out of there.

**Outside, once again**

"Are you ready Chris? Here's number two!"

Chris had just finishing hooking up stereo speakers outside the station. "Go for it!"

The mask came off to reaveal none other than Hannah Montanna! She grabbed the mic and started singing.

Everyone covered their ears as her hideous voice came through the loud speaker. The fans stuffed cotton balls into their ears, ear plugs were shoved into them also, but nothing worked. Her voice tortured them to no end.

"Sweet dancing Jehovah! My ears!" Special K Man shouted, still hanging upside down with Trippyfalls and Vincent...yes! he was still waving his "Go Chris" flag that was burnt to a crisp.

"GOD! HELP US ALL!" Resi screamed as her ears started to bleed.

"AAAAAHH!" Sam screamed in pain from the torturous voice and lousy music coming from the speakers.

Wesker then busted through the front doors as everything was happening followed by Hobohunter who was throwing ninja stars at him. Ultimolu then did a series of ninja jumps and fell into a nearby sewer due to Chris using a manhole to open it just in time. She stayed down there to further her training with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles along with Hobohunter so she could learn some hunting skills from Master Splinter.

Meanwhile, S.T.A.R.S. Marine was on the roof, binoculars in hand scoping out the whole fiasco. He readied his sniper rifle, aiming it right at Hannah Montanna. He squeezed the trigger and out came two darts that would put her ass to sleep. The dart flew in slow motion heading straight into Wesker's ass!

Wesker pulled the darts out of his rear end and threw them right at Hobohunter and Moonbeam1987. S.T.A.R.S. Marine readied his rifle once again and aimed for his original target. The darts flew in slow motion once again and headed straight for Wesker's ass once more. Wesker yelped in pain, he didn't know how much pain his ass could take anymore. He ripped the darts out and threw them at Sam and Michelle this time.

He then started to stumble. When Chris saw this he ran and caught his captain, taking him inside the station. While that was going on, everyone ran away from the voice of torture known as Hannah Montanna. Resi then grabbed a rock and flung it at Hannah Montanna and it hit her right in the mouth. The rock bounced its way down her throat as she choked to death on it.

Sam stood there promising to herself that this wouldn't be the last time the fans would ban together. Next time they'd get him for sure.

**A/N: Thanks to the fans who made this chapter happen. I'm not done with you stunning guys and lovely ladies yet, you'll randomly pop in at any given moment lol. Thanks also to the wonderful fans that just wanted to read it rather than be in it! Thank YOU everybody! **

**Thanks to Divine Arion and cjjs for the idea of donut detox lol! There you go Hobohunter, hope you enjoyed the Jill Sandwich joke XD. Thanks also to Wolfgirl16 for the idea of Sergei hitting on Wesker and Zombiegirl2007 for the underwear raid idea and Billy/Krauser yaoi idea. Get ready for the Halloween Spectacular coming soon! Thanks so much for reading, hope you enjoyed it! If you did, then could you please leave a review? ^_^**


	6. Chapter 6

**(Que Michael Myers theme from Halloween)**

**A/N: BOO! Mwua-ha-ha-ha! Welcome! Happy Halloween XD. As promised, the Halloween Special. I'd like to thank the following for alerting, faving, and for their MAGNIFICENT reviews:**

**Trippyfalls, Wolfgirl16, Zombiegirl2007, Shadowno, S.T.A.R.S. Marine, Stardust4, cjjs, Ultimolu, C. Redfield 86, death wish girl, Loveheart-chan, Hina-86, Taker-took-my-Toys, lawrence96, MissPumpkinHead, rainfox88, Divine Arion, Resident roach code Metallica, FraRosa, JesseZombie, Hobohunter, moonbeam1987, Damu420, KenshinLoverRiri, and In the Name of Cake!**

**Thanks! Hugs, cookies, and bags of sweet goodness to all of you! Here we go, enjoy!**

**Chapter 6**

_People are strange, when you're a stranger_

_Faces look ugly when you're alone _

_Women seem wicked, when your unwanted _

_Streets are uneven when you're down_

_When you're strange_

_Faces come out of the rain _

_When you're strange _

_No one remembers you're name _

_When you're strange _

_When you're strange When you're-_

"Straaaaaange," Chris sung along to People Are Strange by The Doors while driving. He yawned and closed his eyes for a second and in that second, everything changed.

"Santa Carla! How in the hell did that happen?!" he said aloud, looking at the sign that said Welcome to Santa Carla, Murder Capital of the World. "What is going on?"

He drove on passing an amusement park that lit up the night sky like fire. Something wasn't right. To his left, he thought he saw a bat fly by his car. Rolling down his window to get a better look, he saw nothing.

"God! I'm must be so tired that I'm seeing things. For a min-"

_Michael._

"What the-

_Michael._

The name echoed in Chris' ears. Still, he drove on. Glancing in his rearview mirror, he saw a pair of vampire colored eyes staring back at him. The vampire bared his fangs, ready to strike at any minute.

"AAAAHH!" Chris screamed, trying to gain control of the car after he almost drove into a billboard that had pictures of missing people on it.

"Join us Michael. Join us," a vampire, that looked just like a younger version of Keifer Sutherland from 24, said.

"I'm not Micheal and how the hell did you get in here?"

"Wait, you're not Michael? But you LOOK like a Michael."

"Well, I'm not."

"Oh. My bad."

And with that, he flew out of the car and took the roof and windows of the car with him, leaving Chris with a convertible.  
"Shit! Stupid ass blood sucker! I bet you suck more than just blood!"

Chris kept on driving, the wind howling and blowing in his hair while dirty leaves and bugs flew at his face. One bug flew directly in his eye causing Chris to blink wildly trying to blink it out. When he finaly got the little bugger out he looked over and there sat a woman with brownish red hair. She wore a red dress and had a silly looking serious expression on her face.

"I'm not even going to ask how-"

"My name is Alice and I need the anti-virus. I also stole Claire's move from Resident Evil Code Veronica X where she- omph!"

Chris didn't even wait for her to finish. He took his foot off the accelerator and kicked the shit out of her. She flew out of the car screaming, and taking the car door with her. Chris sure did kick the shit out of her because in her seat was a pile of shit.

"UGH! Great!" Chris cursed as his poor car came to a slow sudden stop. He tried to restart it a couple times but failed. He cursed even more as he stepped out of his car, looking around at his surroundings. It was dark, dreary, and spooky fog came out of no where. It looked like a scene out of a bad horror flick.

"Cem-e-tar-y, hm," he walked on, avoiding the graveyard. Chris took a couple steps and stopped as he noticed the fog grew thicker like the fog in Silent Hill. He had no choice but to go through the cemetary now. Sighing, he turned around heading for the graveyard.

Chris walked along the dirt path and stopped suddenly, not because the undead were slowly digging themselves out of their resting places but because a wolf started to howl at the blood streaked moon. Clueless to the situation before him, a hand, that dug its way out of the solid earth, reached up and grabbed his foot.

Chris kicked and struggled to get his foot away from the creepy hand. He now noticed all of the zombies, closing in on him, moaning, groaning, and spooning! Then all of a sudden out of no where, they started swaying lazily from side to side in sync with eachother, jumping every couple of steps. They were dancing! A Tyrant moonwalked his way to the middle of it all wearing a red leather jacket and tight, and I mean tight, black pants. He also wore a black wig that had tiny jerry curls.

_This is thriller _

_Thriller night _

_Cause I can thrill you more than any ghost would ever dare try _

_Thriller Thriller night_

_So let me hold you tight and share a Killer, thriller, ow!_

"OW! OW!" the Tyrant yelled after singing the course to Michael Jackson's Thriller in his monstrous voice. He then spun like a ballerina, hands above his head and all, and grabbed his crotch with his silver glove.

While the Tyrant was doing all of Michael Jackson's signature moves, the zombies were popping and locking, guts falling out and all. A few Lickers decided to show up and join in on the fun too. They did the worm and attempted to break dance while the Hunters, who showed up all of a sudden also, attempted to river dance with rollerskates on.

As it neared the end of the song, the Tyrant took over the show pushing everyone (or thing?) out of the way. He ended his dance routine by doing the splits while shaking his spirit fingers, yelling 'TA-DA' to the one member audience known as Chris Redfield but Chris was gone. They were too busy having fun for the first time in their eat, rip, and impale everything and everyone that moves lifestyle to notice he ran the hell out of there. This made the Tyrant super mad.

"RRRRRAAAARRRRR!"

His battle cry could be heard for miles and it also triggered the zombies to moan, the Lickers to lick, and the Hunters to hunt. Off they went after Chris, they didn't spend all that time practising for their one man crowd to run out on them.

As soon as Chris heard the cries, he ran even faster.

"Damn it! Thisforest," he gasped for air. "Hasno...end..a mansion!"

He ran to the eerie looking mansion to take refuge from those crazy, dancing obsessed BOW's. Wasting no time to reach for the door knob, he braced himself and busted through the door right into the barrel of a gun.

"Captain! What the hell is going on?" Chris asked.

"Chris Redfield. Hmph. How disappointing indeed. I despise YOU Chrisssss," Wesker hissed behind clenched teeth. "Today, you die!" He said and then squeezed the trigger.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Chris screamed while jumping out of his bed, looking around his room. He sighed in relief, it was only a dream. He got back in bed and rolled over to his side and right next to him was Wesker snoring, rubbing his ass probably from the darts from the fiasco before. Or maybe from something else like Chris penetrating......

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Wesker screamed and jumped out of his bed. He ripped his sunglasses off and then his eyes darted around the room. There was no one else around, it was only a dream.

Thank God, for a minute there I thought Chris might have raped me after those darts took effect. Ouch, my ass still hurts though. I'll have to find that S.T.A.R.S. Marine fellow, Wesker thought as he rubbed where not two, not three, but FOUR darts hit. He made his way to the kitchen to get some tea to start out his morning.

"Mornin' sunshine," Chris chirped happily.

"Good morning Chris," Wesker greeted back.

Wesker then walked into his kitchen and made himself a cup of the best tea ever.

**Later on that Halloween night, RPD Banquet hall**

Every year the Raccoon Police Department held a yearly Halloween Charity Ball. The proceeds would go to Chief Irons sick hobby of collecting humans as trophies. Some of the proceeds would go to Umbrella unfortunately, but most of the proceeds would go to the Chief's disgusting habit of jacking off to real human trophies, especially male ones. Nobody knew though.

The smoke machine pumped away in the banquet hall that was decorated with headless ghosts, skeletons and a Michael Myers figure that stabbed away at the air. Bats hung from the ceilings along with spiderwebs that had tiny toy spiders laid out on them while jack-o-laterns were placed randomly around the room.

Jill wore a a black cloak and had what appeared to be a bird mask on. Chris, who had nothing on but a leopard print piece of fabric to cover his manly stuff, walked over to Jill with some refereshments.

"Hey Jill," Chris said. "Are you suppossed to be a bird catcher?"

"Nope."

"A mama bird?"

"No, what the hell are you suppossed to be?" Jill asked.

"I'm Tarzan, see my twin mountains of muscles," Chris replied, flexing his muscles.

"Um, Chris did you forget to wear underwear?"

Chris didn't notice his small fabric had shifted to reveal his free ballin' privates. He stopped flexing and adjusted his skirt, turning red. He did forget to wear underwear.

"Hey guys, nice costumes," Jill said

"You too, bird lady," Brad replied. He wore a big yellow chicken costume that had a big red heart on it. Barry had on a huge sandwich costume that had Jill's name printed in big, bold, black letters on the front.

Forest then walked by wearing his uniform except it had blood and feathers on it. Enrico, Edward, Kevin, and Richard followed, wearing zombified crow costumes. Every now and then they would peck away at him. Rebecca wore a skimpy, provacative nurse costume that had the guys eyeballing her. That is until Jill ripped her cloak off to reveal her true costume.

She wore a very tight fitting, black leather battle suit. Her butt would bounce with every step she took and she showed just the right amount of cleavage. All the guys looked at Jill with eyes the size of baseballs while their tongues hung out of their open mouths like they wanted to lick her. Even Chief Irons wanted to take Jill home to make her a trophy he could whack off to her. It was too much for Chris too handle. He ripped Barry's sandwich costume off and tried to stuff Jill into it.

The captain just happened to walk in at that awkward moment of Chris shoving Jill into a sandwich.

"Chris, stop that this instance," the captain spoke up.

Chris stopped and the Alpha team looked at Wesker confused. Wesker wore a tight, form fitting, black leather battle suit similar to the one Jill had on. He also had on his awesome Kijuju Incident sunglasses.

"Captain, are you suppossed to be a...kitty cat?" Barry asked.

"No, I'm-"

"Keanu Reeves from the Matrix?" asked Brad.

"NO! I'm a-"

"A cool kitty cat from the Matrix?" Joseph asked, joining them. Joseph's costume was simple, a red Hulk-a-mania shirt and his famous bandana.

"Do I look like I have cat ears?" Wesker asked a bit annoyed.

"Um, yeah Captain, you sorta," Jill said, pointing at his head. "Have cat ears."

"No, I don't-" Wesker stopped suddenly, reaching for his head. To his surprise, there on his head sat some black cat ears. He ripped them off and threw them on the floor.

"You're still a cat, sir. You just don't have the ears," Joseph said, pointing at his rear.

"What in the name of Ouroburos are you talkin-" Wesker stopped reaching for his rear and there sat a long black tail wagging away. He ripped it off and threw it. He then reached up to his face, feeling at the tiny pink nose that was connected to the whiskers. He ripped it off also, confused as to where everything came from.

"Hey look, I'm Captain "cool kitty cat from the matrix" Wesker. Freeze scoundrel! And let me amaze you with my awesome cat-ablities, meow! HA-HA!" Enrico said as the Bravo teamed gathered around laughing hysterically at the captain and his costume.

"Ah! Ha! Ha! You're a comical genius Enrico," Wesker said. This triggered the Bravo team and especially Enrico, to laugh harder and louder.

Wesker blew on his knuckles and polished them a bit. He then Cobra punched the crap out of Enrico who went flying across the room and smashing into a wall revealing a surprised Chief Irons with his pants down, holding a Steve sized mummy trophy. The chief's huge and very pale butt cheeks faced towards the crowd and soon everyone was staring at it. The chief turned around, pulling up his pants, and shoving mummy Steve out of the way.

"I. Uhm. He. Oh dear. WESKER!" the chief yelled.

"Look Chris, he has Steve," Jill said.

"Yeah we better go before he notices us."

"Yeah, but before we go, Captain? What are you suppossed to be?"

Wesker dusted himself off and adjusted his sunglasses so he could look super cool.

"I am a GOD! And don't you forget it!" Wesker exclaimed awesomely, folding his arms and nodding his head.

As he exited the party, he didn't notice that the cat ears, tail, and pink fuzzy nose complete with whiskers, had mysteriously found its way back to where they were before on him.

"WEEEESSSKKKEEERR!" the chief screamed as he tried to shove his mummy trophy of Steve into a nearby closet, while everyone was staring, pointing, and gossiping.

"Screw you," Wesker said as he walked on ignoring the cries of his perverted chief. "I SAID! Don't YOU forget it!"

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Sorry this is late, I tried to upload it sooner but that didn't work XD. I honestly didn't like this chapter so much. I think it's an epic failure BUT I promised ya'll a Halloween special so I hope it got a few laughs out of you :). I'd like to thank Hina-86 for the idea of Wesker as a cute little kitty cat for Halloween. Wesker didn't like it so much lol. Oh and if you can guess the reference to what movie I used in the beginning then I'll give you 20 bucks, lol. Okay, maybe not but if you guess right, you can pick which character you'd like to see in the next chapter XD.**

**Thanks again! Have a very safe, happy, Happy Halloween! May you get all the candy and sweets you ever wanted! Show me some love, hehe....review, pwease? ^_^**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hello! I know, I know! Shame on me for not updating this sooner, I'm truly sorry. I'm glad to say that I'm back and please bear with me as I try to catch up with everything thats going on with updates and such. A big THANK YOU to the following for their awesome reviews:**

**Shadowno, STARS Marine, Hobohunter, In the Name of Cake, Hina-86, Ladey Heartly, Ultimolu, cjjs, Divine Arion, Special Agent FUNK, MissPumpkinHead, C. Redfield 86, Rainfox88, JesseZombie, death wish girl, FraRosa, Stardust4, Sons of Africa, moobeam1987, Zombiegirl2007, Resident Roach Code Metallica, Chaed, and last but not least RevolutionZwei!**

**Also a big thanks to: The Roaming Gnome, Needless Darkness, and Onyxien for alerting and faving!**

**Ya'll are the BEST! Many hugs and cookies to all of you!**

**Chapter 7**

Raccoon City slept as a dark figure tip toed its way through the city setting tiny boxes of surprises that were soon to follow in the hours to come. The mystery figure was pissed off at the world for the hell of it and now they were going to get even with it.

"Oh! How I am going to make them go BOOM!!" the mystery man said to himself. "Up, up, and up they go! Where they drop, nobody know! Who-ho-ah-ha-HA-HA-HA-HA-" he stopped suddenly from laughing like a maniac to peer at a young man wearing an RPD uniform who looked and smelled like a rookie. His soft brown hair and tender blue eyes were enough to drive all the ladies wild. His name tag read Leon S. Kennedy.

Leon hadn't moved an inch since walking by and seeing the suspicious looking man laughing to himself like he was high as a kite.

"Sir," Leon spoke up. "Should I be suspicious as to why you're laughing like a crazed psycho uni-bomber?"

_Ha! Spoken like a true rookie_, the mystery man thought to himself.

"No," the man replied.

"Well, what about those red and blue wires behind you?"

"Oh, these?" the man said, pointing at the wires he had been messing with earlier. "Uh, n-no."

"Okay, so what about that c4 in your right hand?"

"This? This isn't c4, it's ah-ah-hmmm-"

"Homemade play doh?" Leon asked.

"Why, yes! That's exactly what it is!"

"Ugh, that's what I thought it looked like. Shucks man, sorry about that," Leon said scratching his head in thought. "Wait! What about this timer here," Leon said, picking up the digital watch and examining it. "It looks almost as if you're planting a bomb or-"

"I assure you mister pretty boy officer, I am up to nothing. I promise," said the little uni-bomber, grinning.

"Pinky swear?"

Leon held out his pinky finger.

"Em, no. Maybe you should be more suspicious with those drunk idiots in that alleyway behind you," he said as he pointed behind Leon.

Leon looked over his shoulder to see two drunk guys fist fighting. The punches flew in slow motion as both guys fell to the floor, rolling around on top of eachother. The rookie in Leon took over and off he sprinted across the street to stop the two from killing eachother. Leon was half way across when he remembered he had the watch/timer in his hand still.

"Hey! Sir! You forgot-!" Leon stopped in mid sentence, looking around for the mystery man.

Leon looked at the watch in his hand and came to the decision that finding the suspicious man was a priority over two drunken fools trying to kill eachother. He looked down to see a trail of wires, so he followed it. The wires led him down the nearby sewer where he saw Ultimolu and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Ultimolu was blindfolded, hiya-ing away at plates the turtles were throwing up for target practice.

Leon decided to ask the group if they saw the mystery man.

"Eh, excuse me, sirs?"

Leon stood there like an idiot, waiting for a reply but none came. He reached into his back pocket, and for some strange and very hard to explain reason, pulled out a photo of the stranger he spoke to moments ago.

"I was wondering if you might recognize the guy in this photograph."

The Ninja turtles stood there staring at eachother and then looked at the photo. The man in the picture had a very rugged look. He wore a green military combat gear with a beret and the name on the bottom read, Mikhail. The turtle wearing orange spoke up.

"Dude! Like, we haven't seen this vicious looking character. Sorry mister officer dude," the turtle known as Michael Angelo said, gulping down a slice of cheese pizza.

"Ugh, sorry to have bothered you," Leon said a little annoyed. He put the picture in his back pocket once again.

"Not a problem, dude."

"Nice costumes by the way," Leon said, walking away.

"These aren't, like, costumes dude-" Mikey was interrupted by Raphael who put his three fingered hand on Mikey's mouth to shut him up.

Leon stopped and looked over his shoulder.

"What do you mean they 'aren't' costumes?"

"Uh, nothing officer," Raphael spoke up.

"Freeze!" Leon said, whipping out his...banana, pointing it at the threat in front of him. What Leon was doing with a banana in his pants was anyones guess.

"Whoa! We don't mean any harm," said Donatello.

"What are ya gonna do? Mash us to death with that?" Raphael's smart ass said while laughing.

"I said, FREEZE!" He threw the banana and reached for his taser.

"Aye-"

Before Raphael could explain, Leon tasered him and Raph fell to the floor, withering in pain. This got the attention of the other turtles, who in return started to throw plates at Leon. It was a big no-no since the plates are what Ultimolu was using to practice with.

Leon dodged the plates but in return got kicked in the face three times simultaneously by a blindfolded Ultimolu. He had to make a run for it or his pretty face would be used as Ultimolu's kicking/punching/bitch slapping bag.

So on he ran, passing Hobohunter, who was meditating with Master Splinter. It was part of her training to master the art of "Wesker Hunting". It was a good thing Hobohunter didn't see Leon's pretty boy self or he would have a case of fatal attraction on his hands.

The wires led Leon right back to the alleyway where he started off. He scratched his head and looked around to see no one in sight, not even the two drunks who had been fist fighting earlier.

"Where did everyone go? Bingo?" Leon asked to no one in particular, standing there looking like the confused, pretty boy idiot he was. He scratched his head as the words, 'Resident Evil' mysteriously flashed in front of him.

"What is this?" he asked, touching the words. He then looked down and noticed he wasn't wearing his RPD uniform but he was decked out in black combat pants, a black shirt that was tighter than the tightest shirt on the planet, and a brown bomber jacket.

"What is going on here?" Leon asked to no one once again. Not only was did he look like he was on an important mission, he noticed he was in some weird village with chickens running about and what looked like a policeman hanging from some wood over a fire that had barbequed him alive. Leon took one look at the cop and tried to run but was frozen in place and couldn't move an inch.

"Oh no! I can't move."

Leon tried with all his might to move but couldn't. In the far off distance he heard the sound of a chainsaw buzzing which was getting closer and closer to where Leon stood, frozen.

With the sounds of the chainsaw getting closer, came the sound of grunting as if someone was thrashing the chainsaw from side to side, trying to shred everything in their sight. Of course, Leon didn't see the chainsaw that was approaching him from behind. His eyes got wider and his heart beat faster as the chainsaw weilding maniac's foot steps got closer to him.

Leon let out a ear deafening shriek (similar to the kind of scream that a little teenage girl in scary horror flicks would do right before getting killed by Leather Face) before the chainsaw cut through his upper torso, falling to the floor in a puddle of thick red blood. The words 'YOU DIED' flashed in red on the screen.

"Damn it, Resi! You forgot to pause it for me! You just killed Leon, again!" Special K Man said grabbing the controller and pushing the continue button so a weeping Leon could replay his gruesome death over and over again.

**A couple hours later**

Chris jumped out of bed after waking to the sound of a loud boom. Ripping his shirt off and running to the mirror, he flexed his manly man muscles to see if they were alright.

"Good God, for a minute there I thought my muscles exploded. Ah, come here, I love you guys," Chris said, attempting to hug himself but couldn't get his 'big guns' around himself.

With a final flex of his right arm, he winked at himself, blew a kiss in the mirror to his muscles and went back to his comfortable bed. In the distance, a fire truck, dozens of police cars, and people screaming for their lives played off in the background. None of that mattered to the clueless Chris as he went back to sleep, holding a blow up doll that had a STARS uniform on with a pair of the most awesome sunglasses ever made in the world of gaming history.

**A/N: *Whistles innocently* Okay, so I'm sorry that I didn't update this sooner. I'm also sorry for not keeping up with the latest updates from you awesome writers but rest assured, I am slowly reading and reviewing everything that I missed out on and for some strange reason my inbox keeps deleting everything I get so please be patient with me...please don't be mad at me :(. A BIG thanks to Vinny, he helped me end this chapter with the words, Chris, flexing, and muscles XD. I was having a hard time with the ending, hopefully it came out okay. Thanks so much for reading! Join me next time with more fan appearances, more explosions, more randomness, more WESKER! Need I say more? XDDD! Ahem, please do leave a review of any kind, even ideas are very much appreciated**!


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Ah-heh-heh...Hey there! It's been a looong time since I updated this, my apologies! I hope this long update makes you laugh or at least brings a smile to your face, lol. I'd like to thank the following for reading, reviewing, alerting and faving:**

**Shadowno, Resident Roach Code Metallica, Ethereal Heiress, Cyber Five --Send-- (Thanks for the awesome review, I usually reply to them but you don't have an account, lol), Stardust4, Zombiegirl2007, Divine Arion, Ultimolu, cjjs, Ankhesenamun10, rainfox88, MissPumpkinHead, moonbeam88, Grusnoid, Special Agent FUNK, LimeRickey, Chaed, Hobohunter, RevolutionZwei, JessieZombie, Vampuric Spider, Ranger McFriendly, death wish girl and -GreyedSoul218-**

**Also thanks to the following for reading alerting and faving:**

**TheDarkHollow, Den of Woe, TinySprite and BSAAagent Radar (Thanks for the sugar cookies...they did wonders for this chapter, I think XDDD)**

**Thanks! Many hugs and cookies to you all!**

**Disclaimer: Do I own Resident Evil, AC/DC, the fans or anything else mentioned? Nope! XDD**

**Chapter 8**

Wesker had trouble sleeping all night. He would constantly have nightmares about the events of the past couple of weeks starting with Barry and his weird obsession with donuts. It didn't help with his fans either. He'd dream of them capturing him and then making him listen to Hannah Montana while being forced to watch Krauser chasing a thong bearing Sergei, whos goods would bounce to no ends. Not to mention the Chiefs big, pale butt cheeks he had to endure at the Halloween party and the two darts that left his ass hurting for days.

No sooner had Wesker closed his eyes to welcome la-la land, that his cell phone rang.

_I should've known! Why me!_

"Umbrella, Wesker speaking."

"Wait. What? Umbrella? Captain Wesker, is that you?" Jill asked a bit confused.

"Erm, no. Never heard of him or Umbrella. Or you!" Wesker quickly spoke into the phone.

"Oh, sorry about that," Jill replied.

"No problem. Good bye Jill."

"Bye," Jill said, ending the phone call and then redialing the Captain's number again.

Once again, no sooner had Wesker laid down to close his eyes and welcome his much needed beauty rest (not that he needed it), that his cell phone rang.

"S.T.A.R.S. Alpha Team, Wesker speaking."

"Albert! You have to help me!"

"William, is that you? Do you have any idea what time it is? I'm sure this can wait."

"No! Wait, I lost T-"

Wesker ended the phone call before William could finish his sentence and as soon as he did that it rang once again.

"What?!" Wesker hollered into the phone.

"Captain? We've been trying to get a hold of you, sir. It seems that there was an explosion at the station."

"Fine," the captain said, a little annoyed that he wouldn't be getting as much rest as he wanted. "Be there in a bit."

**Chris' Pad**

Chris awoke once again and this time it was to the smell of bacon.

_Mmmm, smells good. Wait! Who the hell?_

He jumped up out of his bed, stuffed his little blow up doll in the nearby closet, and made his way to his kitchen. He could hear two voices in the kitchen talking, one he was very familiar with but the other not so much. They suddenly stopped talking since Chris stood there in front of them, naked.

"Chris! Put some clothes on!"

"Oh! Claire?!" Chris said, grabbing some pot holders and covering himself.

"I thought I'd come over to make you some breakfast," Claire replied, shielding her face with her hands.

"Thats great sis, but who the hell are you and why the hell are you wearing that shirt and waving that flag?" Chris said. pointing to the other person who was in the room with them.

"Um, I'm...your fan?" Vincent answered, waving his "Go Chris" flag.

"Wait. So out of all the people in the world of fan fiction, I'm stuck with you?"

"You say it like its a bad thing. Out of all the characters in Resident Evil, I'm stuck-"

Before Vincent could finish his sentence, Claire shoved a pancake into his mouth.

"That seriouly blows! I get stuck with a ONE fan and LOOK, its a DUDE! How come I can't get some hot chicks for fans like the Captain?!" Chris said as he walked away complaining to himself.

"Well, good thing he doesn't know you were forced to be his fan," Claire said, sipping on some syrup.

"Oh! And touch my sister and I'll break all ten...wait," Chris stopped in mid sentence to count his manly manicured fingers. "Yeah, all ten of your fingers! AND how ever many toes you have!" Chris yelled, peeking his head around the corner then leaving.

Vincent just nodded, mouth full of pancake and all.

**Outside of the RPD**

When Wesker finally arrived at the station, Jill was busy talking to some buff, blond guy who's muscles were about to burst out of his shirt. Wesker thought Chris had dyed his hair but as soon as the blond turned, it definitely wasn't Chris. Not unless Chris was dumb enough to use his own face as a bulls eye for throwing knives at.

_Hmmm. But then again, Chris is fully capable of being an idiot,_ Wesker thought to himself.

"Oh, Captain Wesker. Jack here says he noticed some man lurking around the area last night."

Jack extended his hand, waiting for Wesker to give him a hand shake.

Wesker couldn't help but stare at the scarred man's face, wondering if he really did lose control one day and went ballistic with a butterfly knife, ending with the scar on his face.

"Psst. Captain," Jill coughed up to get Wesker's attention.

Wesker then snapped out of his thoughts and averted his eyes to Krauser's hand. The captain extended his own hand and was caught off guard when the burly man opened his arms and gave Wesker a bear hug, lifting the captain off of his feet.

"I suggest you release me this instant!" Wesker ordered.

Krauser was too busy enjoying himself by sniffing Wesker's hair.

"Mmmm, your hair smells so good," was Krauser's reply.

"Excuse me?!"

Jack then put Wesker down, patting him all over.

"Awkward," Jill said to herself.

"Jill, shall we go survey the crime scene before Mr. Knife playing, bear hugging, hair sniffer decides to violate my space again?"

"Right."

Jill led the way through the station to the STARS office.

Wesker was a bit confused, seeing as nothing was out of the ordinary. Everything was in place. Nothing looked as if it had been blown to bits. Unitl he looked over at his desk which was charred black and in a pile of smoking wood pieces.

"No. Nooo. NOOOOOOO!" Wesker shouted as he walked to his desk. His sunglasses fell from his face as he sank to his knees, staring at the mess the bomb left behind.

"Uh, sir? Are you o-"

"For the love of the T-virus, the G-virus and P-virus! WHY!" he yelled as he sifted through what remained of his desk.

Jill watched in shock as the captain dug his way through the pile, confused as to what he was looking for since it was obvious that everything was destroyed beyond repair. She noticed that Wesker stopped suddenly and brought a handfull of what looked like sunglasses melted beyond repair.

"My poor, precious collection of eyewear," Wesker said as he cradled the mess to his chest as if it were a newborn baby.

"Sir, is everything-"

Wesker's hand shot in the air to shush Jill.

"A moment of silence in remembrance of thee. Jill, join me as we take a walk down memory lane," the captain said wrapping an arm around Jill.

"Uh, heh-heh, sure."

Memories soon flooded Wesker and Jill's mind together as one.

***Que Back in Black by AC/DC***

Students filled the hallway rushing to their next class. Everyone moved out of the way as a teen aged Wesker strutted his way to his locker, wearing all black and sporting his signature sunglasses. He opened his locker to reveal a full body mirror, bottles of gel, and some science related books. He reached in and grabbed a pair of sunglasses that were labled "For all the Foxy Ladies" and put them on.

"Yes, I came up with that, not that little twit, Carlos." Wesker said to one in particular.

Wesker then reached into his pocket and brought a comb out. He looked into the mirror, combing his beautiful golden locks back and then grinned like an idiot while the girls in the background squealed and fainted from the sheer hotness and awesomeness that Wesker is.

The next memory was of the captain when he was a baby. He cooed happily in his crib as he wore his oversized "I Want to be a God When I Grow Up" sunglasses.

That memory was soon pushed aside for another of Wesker who looked to be about nine years old. He smiled while in deep sleep and dreamt of things like concocting little experiments that would turn innocent people into zombies, las plagas, and majini. OH MY!

Right next to Albert, on its own pillow, laid a pair of sunglasses labled "Total Global Saturation". At the time he didn't know what it meant exactly but the time for that would soon come later. The pair of sunglasses laid there peacefully with its own tiny blanket that also had tiny sunglasses decorated on it. They both slept peacefully dreaming of a volcano for some strange reason.

"Sir, I'm sorry but this is creeping me out a little," Jill said still sharing the memories with Wesker.

Wesker said nothing as he stood there pouting, the grip of his arm around Jill's neck getting tighter.

"Sir...can't...breathe...your..arm..cutting...circulation," Jill managed to get out.

"GOOD! Then I wont have to get rid of you later, uh...I mean, sorry Jill," Wesker said on the verge of anger filled tears as he loosened his grip on Jill.

Just then, Chris strolled his way into the office.

**CRUUUUNCH!**

"What the?" Chris said as he looked down to see what he stepped on.

Wesker and Jill both looked over to see what the noise was and saw Chris standing there looking confused like always.

"Chris? Tell me, you didn't just step on what I think you stepped on," Wesker said, his grip tightening on Jills neck once again.

"Uh. Nope! Nuh-uh!" Chris squeaked at the top of his lungs, brushing the bits of sunglasses under Barry's desk with his boot.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeeees but I need Jill to make sure, sir," Chris replied trying to pull Jill, who was in dire need of air as her eyes bulged out in all directions, away from Wesker's death grip.

As soon as Wesker let go of Jill, Chris snatched her up and they both ran out of the office all the way to outside of the station, where they would be safe from Wesker's wrath.

"You stepped on the glasses, didn't you?" Jill asked, gasping for air.

"Kind of but I didn't know they were there. Great! I'm screwed! Where am I going to get the exact pair-"

"I have somethin' that might interest ya, strangah," the mysterious merchant, who appeared out of thin air, said as he pulled out an exact replica of Wesker's sunglasses that Chris had demolished seconds ago.

"Ew! Who the hell? Wait! I DO need those, how much?" Chris asked.

"Ten thousand."

"Okay, ten...THOUSAND? Are you OUT of your mind?"

"Strangah, strangah. It's well worth it, heh-heh."

"Fine, here," Chris handed the merchant cash that had mysteriously appeared also out of thin air.

The merchant then pulled out a little sign from his sleeve that read, Pesetas Only.

"What does that even mean?" a confused Chris said.

"I know what it means," a voice said from behind the shadows.

The figures stepped out to reveal a short, ornery girl who had brown hair and green eyes. She wore a pair of black boot cut jeans, a long sleeved white shirt and a black vest that fit snugly over her small figure. She went by the name of Rainfox88 and she always had a rack of jeans on wheels because she was known as a jean picker, it was her duty to the world to pick out jeans for figures of all sizes and shapes.

Next to her stood a guy who went by the name of Grusnoid. He was six foot four and a half, three hundred pounds of flesh and steel with long dark brown hair that was tied in a ponytail and hazel eyes. He wore a tan and dark green outfit similar to that of a boyscout because his motto was...

"I always come prepared!" Grusnoid shouted, scaring even Chris who ran behind Jill. "I'll take those awesome sunglasses," Grusnoid said, giving the merchant the ten thousand pesetas.

"NO! Wait a minute! I need those! This is a life and death situation so hand it over," Chris said.

"No, I don't think I will steroid boy. Come on munchkin," Grusnoid called after Rainfox88.

"Hey! Discrimination I say! Its not my fault I'm short!" Rainfox88 shouted.

"Rain, its your nickname, remember?"

"Oh yeah! Tee-hee! You know Grusnoid, you should wear these cool jeans instead of those pansy ass boyscout shorts," Rainfox88 said, trying to stuff Grusnoid into the jeans she picked out just for him.

Grusnoid smacked his forehead and put the sunglasses on, Rainfox88 following closely behind him with her rack of jeans.

As the pair left, Chris stood there watching as his life flashed before his eyes. Wesker was sure to kill him now. He had to get those sunglasses back no matter what even if it meant killing Grusnoid.

"MWUAH-HA-HA-HA-HA-"

"Chris?"

"AAAAH-HAA-HA-"

"You're scaring me," Jill said, watching as her partner in crime laughed like a homocidal maniac.

"MUAH-HAA-HA-HA-" Chris stopped suddenly, glancing at a very scared Jill and he began to laugh harder and louder than before. "HA-HA-HA-HAAA! Okay, I'm done. I think I've got a plan," Chris said, grinning evily at Jill.

**A/N: Yup yup! This chapter was waaaay overdue, lol. I apologize but I'd like to thank everyone for sticking with me, y'all are the best! Chris the Mastermind Redfield has a plan to get those sunglasses back but will Grusnoid and Rainfox88 give them up so easily? Find out next time as I try to entertain you with torturing more random fans (YES! Vampuric Spider and Chaed, you're next, hee-hee!), putting the RE characters through hell especially Weskie and shall we kill off Alice once again? Maybe Paul Anderson instead? Yay, nay? LMAO! Its up to you :P. Come on, show me some love...pwease? XDDD**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Wow! I can't believe I updated! I'm sorry it took me forever and a day but life is crazy and it doesn't help that I don't have a computer lol. This chapter may be more random then the other chapters since there's so much going on. I hope I haven't lost my touch but here goes nothing, hehe. **

**I'd like to thank the following for reading, alerting, faving and for their fantastic reviews:**

**Den of Woe, Grusnoid, boss-slayer, shadowno, Yuzuru Renge, Divine Arion, Hina-86, Ankhesenamun10, moonbeam1987, Ultimolu, Stardust4, rainfox88, cjjs, deathwish girl, Special Agent F.U.N.K., Lime Rickey, Vampuric Spider, S.T.A.R.S. Marine, , LawXBreaker, -GreyedSoul218-, RevolutionZwei, -wesker-strikes-agian-, Special-K-Man, The Roaming Gnome, demonic angel23, and NRZWolf 13.**

**I'd also like to thank the following for reading, alerting and faving:**

**Blackwolfreader, LlamasWithHats90, and TheDarkHallow.**

**Thanks to you all! Many hugs and lots of cookies for you! **

**Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own anything in this chapter and if I did, Wesker would be shirtless in every RE game ever made lol. Or just plain ol' nekked...lol.**

**Chapter 9**

**Unknown location**

Sam stood in the front of her drawing board, conjuring her many plans to capture the sexiness known as Wesker. No matter what she thought up, nothing seemed to work the way she wanted. She stared at the drawing which had little stick figures of fangirls and boys alike, their arms raised, carrying a stick figured Wesker who was tied to a stretcher, screaming for his dear life.

_Yes,_ Sam thought to herself, _I have a plan._

She took her cell phone out of her pocket and dialed a number.

"Hello?" the voice on the other line answered.

"May I speak with...Chaed, please?" Sam asked, grinning to herself knowing this plan had zero chance of failing.

**Back to our favorite bad-ass, RPD**

Wesker sat at his desk , both hands slowly rubbing away at his temples as he contemplated on what he could do to Chris.

_I could always drug him and leave him in a mansion full of zombies or maybe I could just throw him out of a helicopter so he'd fall directly into a volcano where the sulfur could eat away at his lungs or he'd melt into a puddle of pure muscles. Ah, its too easy! Must think of something more evil-_

The door busted open, interrupting Wesker and his thoughts. In ran a very nervous and frantic William Birkin.

"Al! Did you not hear what I said this morni-...Heeey! You look different, there's something," Will said as he stared at his partner in crime, trying to figure out what was missing when it was plain and obvious to anyone who knew Wesker.

"Ah-ha! Did you dye your hair?" Will asked.

Wesker stared at Will for a full three minutes, every now and then they would blink at each others idiotic look.

"Yes, William. I dyed my hair. It's a different shade of...blonde. Does it look alright?" Wesker asked as he patted the top of his head.

"I knew it! I always wondered how it was that you had no gray hair-"

"Will."

"And I mean, you're like what? 50, 60 years old and your hair is just so golden-"

William."

"So what shade of blonde is it, buddy? I think I need to dye mine too thanks to all the stress Umbrella-"

"WILLIAM! I don't dye my hair, you fool! I have no...no...no," Wesker said getting emotional, "SUNGLASSES!"

William leaned over the captain's desk, squinting in Wesker's face as if he were trying to make sure there were no sunglasses there.

"Oh! Right, heh-heh," William said, scratching his head.

"You were saying?" Wesker asked.

"I was saying," William said as he looked around the room frantically, "I lost...T-Bird!"

"From Grease?" Wesker asked, confused.

"No! As in THE Tyrant!"

"Oh, well, you're going to have to fill out this missing persons report and I'll see what I can do."

"Uh, Wesker? You do know who T-Bird is, right?"

"Of course."

"And you do know what he is capable of, right?"

"Yes, I do."

"So, shouldn't you be a little more concerned?"

"I am very concerned but I have a more important task at hand! My sunglasses! Without my sunglasses, I can't think straight. And if I can't think straight then I can't think of any diabolical plans to take over this world with. And if I can't take over this world then I wont have the right. And without the right, I can't be a God and we both know how much I want to be a God," Wesker replied, handing Will a booklet and a pen. "Fill this out and I'll see what I can do."

William stared at the booklet and then back at Wesker, then again at the thick booklet. Then he looked at Wesker once again.

"By the time I'm done filling this out, T-Bird will have impaled every living person and thing in Raccoon City!"

"Good! It would save me the trouble of having to waste a perfectly good self destruct button on covering up my mess," Wesker said.

"Don't you mean, OUR mess?" Will asked.

"That's what I said."

**Somewhere in a dark alley**

"Rainfox, for the last time, I don't want anything to do with those tiny ass pants you call skinny jeans! I am a man and real men wear real jeans," Grusnoid said while posing in the mirror with his new found sunglasses. How Grusnoid could see himself in a mirror wearing sunglasses in a DARK alley is anhybody's guess.

"Oh come on! It wouldn't hurt to try them on and just see what they look like," Rainfox said in a sing song way, sizing the jeans up next to Grusnoid.

"Hell NO! I mean, look at these things," Grusnoid replied, snatching the jeans up and shaking them in his fist. "I don't even know how I would be able to walk in these, let alone how my crotch is going to breathe," Grusnoid suddenly stopped as he looked down at Rainfox who was pouting.

"Women," Grusnoid said taking the jeans and putting his head down in shame.

**Two blocks over**

Jill walked by her partner in crime's side, head facing forward, eyes fixated on Chris the whole time. His back was hunched as he walked on, whispering so low, no one could hear him. Every now and then he'd laugh hysterically to himself as his right eye become bigger than the other.

_La-la-la-...Ya know, he looks like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. On steroids. On steroids and crack. On steroids, crack and...wait a minute. Is it possible to be on steroids and crack at the same time or-_

Jill's own thoughts were interrupted as she felt herself free fall into an open manhole. She landed hard on her rear end.

"OW!"

"I knew if you landed on your butt you'd be fine," said voice in the shadows.

"Hey, who's there?" Jill asked.

Out walked the most handsome guy to ever grace the Raccoon City sewers. His gorgeous blue peepers peering behind his girly, dirty blonde hair (or was it more a light brown) which swayed to a wind that wasn't really there.

"They call me Kennedy. Leon S. Kennedy," Leon replied. "S stands for Sexy," he said flicking his hair and then quickly posing, both hands on his gun as he pointed it upwards.

He posed so hard that his finger went a little trigger happy and he let out three shots simultaneously. Jill couldn't help but to laugh at the display in front of her as rocks, dust and concrete landed on top of Leon.

"More like S for Stupid," she said as she rolled around, holding her sides and laughing out loud.

"A..little...help here," Leon said, coughing from all the dust that was in his beautiful hair.

"Ah-hahah-HAHAH-ha-"

"I think I...broke something," Leon cried.

"-ah-ha-ha-HA! Wooo! Haha-"

"Fine! Laugh you psycho bitch but when you need help one of these days-"

"ahhaha-"

This made Leon mad. So mad, he burst out of the rubble and made his way past Jill, to the open manhole. He looked at Jill who was still laughing and he Superman jumped his way out of the hole.

Jill's laughter came to a sudden halt, eyes as wide as saucers.

"LEEEEOOON! WAAIIT!"

**Back to Chris**

Chris walked along, talking to himself, never noticing that Jill wasn't by his side.

"So Jill, what do you think of my plan?" Chris asked to the thin air.

He waited for a reply from his partner but it never came.

"Jill?" Chris asked as he turned around to see no one.

"Oh no! Jill?" Chris asked like a moron once again. "I've lost Jill! What am I going to do now?"

He dropped down to his knees as his arms, which were wide open, reached for the skies while his fists of fury balled into tiny fists of fury.

"JIIIIIILL!" He yelled out.

People couldn't help but to stare at Chris who was staring at the sky as if aliens had beamed her up in broad daylight and it was all his fault because he didn't do anything about it.

He finally noticed the crowd gathering around him so he stood up and dusted himself off.

_Great! Without Jill to help me get those sunglasses back, what am I going to do? I know, I'll call Barry._

**Doughnut Rehab**

"And today we will be testing your will to see how long it will take you for you to resist THE URGE. Please introduce yourselves to the newer donut-holics also. Barry, you're first," the counselor said.

"Uh, hello. My name is Barry Burton and I...I am a donut-holic. Well, I was but I'll show those doughnuts whose the boss of me!" he said proudly as he stomped his way over to the plate of Krispy Kreme doughnuts that awaited him. It was then that his phone vibrated and he excused himself to answer it.

"Barry here."

"Barry, its me, Chris."

"Oh, hey Chris."

"I need your help," Chris replied. He then attempted to tell Barry his situation and how he needed a partner to help him pull off his plan.

Barry listened to Chris go on and on, his eyes never leaving the plate of tempting doughnuts in front of her. He licked his lips as he reached out to take one.

It was then that Wesker's superhuman senses sensed that Barry was going to lapse and he pulled out his handy dandy doughnut sensor remote and pushed it.

Barry was zapped with volts of electricity from the bracelet Wesker gave him to wear.

"DOOOOOH!" Barry yelled as he flew backwards across the room.

**Back to Chris. Again!**

"Barry? Barry!" Chris yelled into his phone. "Great! Ex him off my list. Ah, Joseph!"

_Ring! Ring! Ring!_

"Frost speaking."

"Joseph! You've got to help-"

"I'm with Barry. Dumbass," Joseph said as he tended to Barry who was in shock from the shock he just took.

Chris panicked. There was one other person who could help him.

**Some random dressing room**

Brad had searched everywhere for his dream thong bikini and he finally found it. It was a itty bitty teenie weenie yellow polka dot thong bikini, just like the song implied.

"I'm too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy for my shirt. Too sexy," Brad sang out loud, posing in front of the full body mirror.

"I'm too sexy for your party. Too sexy for you party. No way I'm-"

Ring! Ring! Ring!

Brad, surprised, flipped his phone open with the quickness.

"NO! I do NOT have on a tiny, yellow thong bikini!"

"Brad?" Chris asked, confused.

"NO! I was NOT singing I'm Too sexy!"

"Brad! I need your help-'

"NO! I was NOT flexing my butt cheeks in the mirror and making it clap!"

The line was silent.

"Hello," Brad spoke into the phone, "Hell-ooooo!"

It was then that the dressing room door slowly opened and in walked Chief Brian Irons.

"Hello," the chief whispered in the most perverted voice ever as he batted his eyelashes and wriggling his eyebrows up and down wildly.

Chris stared at his phone for what seemed like forever. In his opinion, it was too much information and something he didn't want a mental image of. Or did he?

_NOOO! Not good! I've run out of options..._

"You! What's your name?" Chris asked the first guy he saw walking his way.

The guy looked to be about five feet eight inches tall, lanky but definitely not skinny. His hair was slick back and glasses adorned his -insert eye color here- eyes. He wore a plain white t-shirt and well fitted blue jeans_._

"Uh...Vampuric...Spider."

"Vampuric...what! What kind of name is that? It's like you're a vampire who's a spider. A spider vampire."

"Uh, well, you can call me Samson if you'd like."

"Shut up! You're coming with me!"

And before Vampuric Spider could say anything else, Chris pulled him into a headlock and dragged his new partner along with him.

**In the dark alley once again**

Grusnoid found a huge cardboard box and used it as a barrier so Rainfox wouldn't be able to see his He-Man underwear. He took the sunglasses off and carefully placed them on the wooden crate right next to where he changed into his fashionable jeans.

"Yo, munchkin! No peeking!"

"Oh gosh Grusnoid, I already know you wear He-Man underwear," Rainfox replied.

"Wha-? I do not!"

"Yes, you do. I'm looking right at them," Rainfox said, giggling.

Grusnoid looked down to see that the cardboard was only tall enough to cover his knees.

"Curse my height," he mumbled, turning beet red.

It was then that Chris and Vampuric Spider walked by the dark alley. Chris, noticing who they were, grabbed Vampuric Spider by the arm and dragged him to hide behind the dumpster in the alley.

"Now listen up, I'm going to distract them and once they're attention is on me, tackle the big guy and I'll take care of the midget then-OW!" Chris howled in pain, rubbing the top of his head. He looked up to see Rainfox with a pair of jeans rolled up tightly in her hand.

"That's what you get for spying on us," she said, waving the rolled up jeans in the air. "And this is what you get for calling me a midget!"

Vampuric Spider backed away slowly as he watched Rainfox beat Chris with the pair of rolled up jeans. He turned to run when he felt a hand grab his shoulder.

"You're not going anywhere! And why didn't you help me?"

"Uh, well, she was vicious with those jeans. I was scared," Vampuric Spider replied.

"I'm going to distract them. You grab the sunglasses. On three. One. Two. THREEEEEE!"

Chris ran into the alley screaming at the top of his lungs. He ran directly towards Grusnoid (who was fighting with the pair of skinny jeans Rainfox gave him) and grabbed the cardboard box. He then ran towards the jean rack and used it as a skateboard to roll his way out of the alley.

A He-Man underwear wearing Grusnoid and his short sidekick, Rainfox, chased after Chris.

Vampuric Spider tip toed his way into the alley, looking for the sunglasses.

_Uh, jackpot!_

He spotted the sunglasses on a wooden crate. There was a golden light surrounding the glasses and he could hear angelic voices singing "aaaahhh" in A minor. His hand reached out to grab the glasses when suddenly out of nowhere, a mystery ninja snatched them up. They put them on and turned around to run right into a wall. They got back up and disappeared as quick as they appeared.

Vampuric Spider stood there like a statue, blinking every now and then.

"Uh...that's not good."

**A/N: Thanks so much for reading! Now, please be patient as I try to throw fans in randomly. I know a lot of you have been asking to be in the story. Don't worry, you will be added lol. I just have to figure out when to throw you in all the madness and make it humorous at the same time :P. I'd also like to thank everyone who has given me ideas also. I will throw those in too when I can and I will give you credit. Which reminds me, thanks to -GreyedSoul218- for the idea about Brad in a bikini while singing 'I'm Too Sexy'. I haven't really written anything in a long time so this chapter might not have been that funny or might even be crap. Sorry! **

**Anyway...What is Sam up to? Will T-Bird ever be found? Will Jill ever Superman jump her way out of the sewer? Is Leon hot? Is Chief Irons creepy? Will Rainfox and Grusnoid ever catch up to Chris "the thief" Redfield? Who is the mystery ninja? Do I ask too many questions? Join me next time as our favorite characters go to hell and back! LOL! Please be so kind to leave me a review of any kind. Thanks! ^_^**


End file.
